Imperfect Days And A Beautiful Life

My days used to be peaceful. There was no yelling, a little fighting ‘n arguments, and a lot of fun. I was never running late to anywhere. I had ample time to work, fulfil social commitments, and then relax too. My husband and I used to go out on impromptu dinners, impromptu social visits, and had people over at our place all the time. Planning a road trip was not worrisome. We used to watch all genres of movies and series without worrying about what time it was, or how long the movie is, or what language is used. Shopping was not an anxiety-inducing experience. My house mostly looked spic and span, decorated with lovingly bought decorative items, and dust was rarely seen anywhere. We used to complete reading the books that we started. We had flexibility and freedom when it came to choosing and cooking meals. Socialising was never embarrassment and guilt-ridden experience that it often is now. Going to the mall was not a panic inducing nightmarish event. All of this turned opposite when I became a mom and my husband a father.

Living with a toddler is a big inconvenience, a challenge at every turn, and more often than not it is frustrating. I don’t mean to generalise, but honestly speaking that has been my experience so far. Kids make you dance to their tunes and you will really lose whatever little power you had over life. Your definition of enjoyment will undergo a massive change. You can read all kinds of parenting books and blogs or any kind of literature available on it, but when it comes to the real deal, well let’s just say nothing can prepare you for it. I love kids and hoped and dreamed of having at least two of my own, but now I have different views on the subject.

Having said all this, the fact is that if someone asks me if I’m happy, I will say yes. If someone asks me whether I’m happier now or was before, I can’t believe but I’ll say I’m happier now. Amidst the chaos that my life has been since June 2018, there are fleeting moments of joy, peace, and “paisa-vasool” entertainment by our very own Adi! I live for those moments. There is a peace, a stabilising force, that is beyond the realm of everyday routine, is what I feel with my son. He is not at all what I had desired and hoped for, but he is my gift from God, meant to perhaps make me a better version of myself… more accepting, more patient, more centred, more empathetic, and kinder.

I’m a full-time mother, and I have many moments in a day when I feel overwhelmed with what I do, and not getting any time away from the child really gets on my nerves sometimes. But this is a conscious choice I’ve made, and (sadly) there is nothing more meaningful in my life at present, than what I do as a “Mumma”. My son filled a void in me which I was unaware of. I remember feeling extremely scared when I knew I was going to have a baby, because I worried that I would be a bad mother. What I couldn’t have imagined that time is that my child, Anhad, would come equipped to teach me how to be his parent, if I let him. I used to feel sad back then, that my life had only ‘just begun’ and now having a kid would bring it to a halt. What I couldn’t understand back then is that he will bring a purpose to my being.

So that is my parenting story in a nutshell. There are good days, there are failure days, and then there are days when I ace my parenting skills so much that even a stranger passing by gives me a thumbs up by a mere glance. Taking it one day at a time, sometimes just one moment at a time, is my only learning so far, as a parent. On days when I’m feeling run down by the day’s routine and then Adi adds to the clutter, I wonder if I’m doing a mistake by being a full time mother. Am I deliberately adding to my burdens by taking on this task? But then like a beautiful ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, Adi comes along and makes me smile with his innocence. His innocent questions full of concern like, “Mumma what happened? Why are you sad?”, are enough to make me surrender to him.

My son is the manifestation of God in my husband’s and my life. At the cost of tagging my son as difficult, I would say that he is quite a handful. I’ve been told by people on several occasions, “Wow, you’re quite patient.” It surprises me actually because I’m absolutely not a patient person. I’m the opposite of patient most of the time, I’m short tempered and quick to react. Perhaps since the last more than three years I’ve been cultivating a little patience in me. But my son deserves more than what I’m doing now. I hope my dear God is listening, as I pray to make me and my husband more capable of loving him, being kinder to him, being more understanding of his perceptions, and being parents that would facilitate his being in this world in the best possible way. Amen.