Because I’m A Mother

 Sometimes I cry because I’m overwhelmed with my duties and tasks as his mother. But he manages to make my heart melt anyway. If he catches me weeping in a weak moment, he rushes to me and gently caresses my cheeks. He doesn’t leave my side and keeps stroking my cheek gently until I smile, which assures him that his Mumma is fine. He is demanding, stubborn, and is asserting his independence more and more each day. But his innocence never fails to make me chuckle. He is my challenge, but he is also the source of my joy. He is the obstacle in my race of accomplishments, but he is the one who has lent meaning to my life. It is due to him that I call myself a ‘proud mother’. He is the reason I was born again. So, is motherhood a day-to-day glorious affair? The answer is- no. Quite the contrary actually. The phase I’m currently in: his “twos”, are so tough. Man, do I want them to be over soon! Though I hate to feel this way, there truly are some days when it all feels like I’m being punished. But I also feel that once he grows up, these little challenges, which might seem silly to me then, are what I’ll miss the most. He is growing up so fast that I feel I’m only catching glimpses of the beautiful journey that I’m in. It’s like when it is raining on a windy day and we can enjoy the cool breeze on our faces, but only intermittently. It does feel unfair that these precious memorable moments of childhood are interspersed with many frustrating moments. But amidst the tough days, he lets me have the glimmering feel of the sweet-natured-boy that he is. That’s what counts. He gets scolded, a lot, for his mischiefs. Though some mischiefs are deliberate, I do think that some are just a natural result of his childish curiosity. So, when I ask him for forgiveness for being harsh with him, he surprises me with his beautiful forgiving side. Boy, do I need to learn that from him! His being in my life has added laughter and fun to my days, but also my house is forever upended: my furniture is mostly moved around, all the cushions are on the floor for playing “jump jump” on them, all my breakable showpieces are stored away to be opened after a couple of years, my kitchen utensils are forever strewn around the house, and the list goes on. It is a pain, frankly, to each day look for the utensils and take them in for washing, when I know they’ll be out again the next day, or perhaps in just another hour. But then I see him mimicking me as I cook, so I let him have that joy; no doubt it is a joy for me too. As long as he is safe, his choice of toys doesn’t bother me. ‘Safe toys’, though, is another issue which gets him in trouble, especially with his Dad. What’s this obsession that kids have with electric sockets? He already has got a shock three times, and yet, after several days of the incident he merrily goes to try his antics on some other socket. He reaches all of them now since he pulls a chair to climb to wherever he wants to reach. Smartass! I have lesser and lesser ways to fool him out of things now. But each time he gets hurt in any way, even if I had turned away from him for only a few seconds, it rattles me up so much that I find ways to blame myself. I’m waiting for the day when I can turn my eyes away from him for a few minutes without returning to a scene of mischief or injury. It gets tough being the only one to watch him at home. There are days when it feels like a lot of pressure. Some days I’m cooking and he quietly sneaks behind me and silently watches what I’m doing. Kitchen is a dangerous and risky place for children to be in, and I prefer that he doesn’t come in there. So I have to leave my chores, and hug him, play with him, divert his attention, till he finds something else to do; then I quickly rush to finish the chore. After twenty minutes, the same cycle repeats. It gets tiring, but, no doubt, is joys abound. Playing with kids is a natural stress buster. But there are some days when I don’t have the time or the energy to indulge him, so he ends up cranky and, well, so do I. Parenting is not only a test of patience, but also a constant chiseling of your own self. Day to day activities, plus your own ambitions, added with social obligations, and sprinkled with personal desires... that’s how motherhood is an everyday lesson of balancing. As far as my score of this balancing act goes, I’m not even a five-on-ten yet, but, hope lives on. Perhaps one day I’ll look back upon these days and not only reminisce but also miss them. Though he has added to my inconveniences for now, but his being is truly a blessing of a lifetime. At the end of the day, his one smile can melt my anger like hot knife in a butter. Just one smile is all it takes. That’s how being a mother is changing me.


~ Anhad’s Mom, Maanvi